I am never driving into center city to an unknown place at night again.
I left today deciding that I was going to bite the bullet and drive into the city. I had volunteered to wrap presents at a children’s center, and I didn’t want to spend $11 on a public transportation day-pass when I could just fill up my empty tank (halfway) for $20. I’ve never driven into the city before without knowing where I’m going, precisely because it transforms into a crazy asphalt jungle when you’re lost. I figured I’d be okay though, because I was driving a big car (I don’t know what it is, but people definitely give you more respect when you drive a bigger vehicle), I had memorized the step-by-step directions I had printed off of Google Maps, and I had my phone for back-up. I thought, hey, it’ll be an adventure. Even if things get a little crazy, I’ll have a story to tell. Huh.
Just to clarify- I’ve driven in the city before. I like the city. But when you don’t know where you’re going- and you’re driving there at night during rush hour- that’s when things get out of control. I made it okay for about the first 20 minutes, even with cars turning a two-lane road into a four-lane road, and a frightening headlong encounter that involved a cement barrier and a trolley when I accidentally followed the car in front of me into oncoming traffic. (Clearly the driver of this car thought that it’d be okay to drive up the wrong side of the street in order to be able to turn left more easily.) There was a point during my journey where I ended up at a pseudo-intersection with no traffic light, no stop sign, no street sign, and with only a divider between me and a 6-lane parkway of cars zipping by. I was on a one-way three-lane street directly across from another 3-lane street that was pretty far away, maybe 0.2 miles, and the cars were on a one-way street facing me. But they, at least, had a traffic light. Directly in front of me was a parallel multi-lane street, though I was unsure of which way traffic flowed on it. Add to that another street diagonally across from me- and they, too, had a light. I remained stationary for about 30 seconds while a puzzled pedestrian on the divider watched me. I decided to check my mirrors and book it to the right. And this, I believe, was the mistake that got me lost for 20 minutes afterward.
The city is a maze of pockmarked, cramped streets pitted with trolley tracks. There are 2-feet deep potholes, multi-lane roads without white markings on the ground, 6 lane roundabouts with cars going 65 miles an hour, suicidal skinny people jogging off the sidewalk without reflective clothing, helmetless madmen on bicycles recklessly swerving in front of oncoming traffic, and a million one-way streets- one of which I drove down the wrong way and nearly lost my life when 3 cars started speeding towards me, honking.
With every near-death experience, I cursed my iPhone. Because the Maps app on this quirky little phone that I had come to love failed to perform miserably.
Let me ask you this- WHY develop a mute navigational application and put it on a phone? Am I supposed to be able to hear the silent cues of the wandering blue dot veering off the mapped-out route to know that I’ve driven off track?! Am I supposed to be able to switch between step-by-step “List” view and you-are-here-now “Map” view when I’m trying to figure out if the exit that I just zoomed by was where I was supposed to get off?? Not to mention the panic-stricken seconds that I spent at red lights rerouting my destination because the ghetto application doesn’t even have the basic function to automatically adjust your directions when you veer off course. No. It just shows the blue dot (you) in whatever one-way backroads street you ended up in, and pretentiously displays where you should be, as represented by the pale blue route line.
And I don’t want to hear if a talking feature is available at a price, because that is just ludicrous.
It took a while, but I finally got to my destination. The frustration of being there but not quite there (you can’t just drive from point A to point B downtown- you have to take roundabout C, exit W, and the fourth left on L-shaped avenue Y) led me to park on a numbered street that I presumed was closeby and walk to the center. At least I knew that that way, I could safely use my phone without the risk of running over middle-aged urbanites walking their dogs in the middle of the street. As I fed money to the meter, a homeless man ambled over and tried to intimidate me into giving him change while muttering suggestively, but I flashed him my meanest face and he continued on his way.
I had arrived in the city.
